Good morning from New York and welcome to the 100th episode of Dear Constance. I love saying that: this is the 100th episode. In reality, I’ve done more than 100 because I didn’t count the introduction and I didn’t count a couple of interviews I’ve done.

Speaking of the introduction, I thought that would be a good place to go for inspiration for today’s pod. I just came back from a very extended time away from air quotes real life and, truth be told, I am having a hard re-entry. In fact, one of the episodes I did recently was called Off Kilter and I talked about how difficult it can be to get into the groove even when you go on vacation and how coming home can be difficult.

My friend Eric called me from Milan this afternoon. I rejected the call and then texted him and I said, I just got home and I need to regain my footing. That’s really how I’m feeling today. I’ve been having a bit of a challenging day and if you know anything about me you know that I tend to be upbeat.  I value keeping a positive mindset and it is very challenging for me to let myself just be. In the words of the poet philosopher David Whyte “to leave myself alone.” But letting myself be doesn’t particularly bode well for recording my proud 100th episode, does it?

So back to the story. I went back to listen to my welcome trailer. I launched January 2nd, but I recorded the trailer on November 11th, 2022 and I really haven’t listened to it since then. I was curious to hear what I said. I talked about intimacy being our willingness to be vulnerable and real. I talked about how I talk out loud and I change my mind a lot. I ended with saying “this is about me speaking from my heart and sharing my friends, talking about what matters to me, showing up in the world with a big heart.”

Prior to the close, I talked about finding my voice and that’s something I haven’t talked about very much. I have mentioned that I’m a crier. I think you’ve heard my voice break multiple times. In fact, I’ve spent years and years trying to control and harness my emotions. I get extremely nervous when I know I’m going to speak, including when I’m speaking in a small circle of people who know me. When we go around a circle to share something, I know my voice is going to break. It causes my whole body to tense up. My throat aches, and it’s miserable. It’s something that I struggle with a lot.

When I talk to spiritual people and I talk to people about the body systems, my throat chakra has always been a point of conversation. So, there’s something that I have never shared publicly that I think is worth mentioning today. It’s something that happened to me when I was very young. I was six or seven. I was at home  and it was around 5, 5. 30 in the evening. We were waiting for my father to come home from work. My mother was making dinner. I was watching Leave it to Beaver , or Gilligan’s Island or one of those shows. Out of nowhere, my mother started calling my sister’s name. Pam. Pam! Pam. The next thing I knew, I was standing in the hallway next to my mother as she broke the bathroom door off of the hinges. My sister, Pam, was lying on the bathroom floor. She had attempted to end her life.

This is something that was never ever again spoken about in my family. It wasn’t until 2016 at the very end of my sister’s life –  the last couple of months – we talked about what happened. We both cried in a way that was very healing I think for my sister it was really important to speak her truth to me, and for me crying with her about it and remembering. I was just a child. In fact, I was finally able to connect the dots and realize that I had been shocked and traumatized and entirely unattended to.

I think it is one of the primaryreasons that I have this long, long history – a lifelong history – of emotion getting stuck in my throat and trying to avoid that feeling at all costs. I feel like, finally having that conversation with my sister was the beginning of. – well, of letting the floodgates open. I have gotten progressively better about letting the emotion come through. I don’t want to squelch it any longer. And while it can be very embarrassing, I do know in my heart that my willingness to be emotional and to cry and to share gives others permission to do the same.

I do stand by what I said in the Welcome Trailer. For me, intimacy and connection is about your willingness to be vulnerable and real, and I sure hope that comes through. I want to thank you again for giving me the gift of your time, and bearing witness as I seek to find my voice.

That’s all for now. Until next time, from my heart to yours,