S2Episode33 Not Deciding Is Deciding

March 19, 2024

Good morning from Madrid. I am sitting here thinking about my girlfriend Tiziana. I went to a movie with her one evening and we were talking about her new company, and I said, how’s it going? And she said, really well. And I said, Oh, I’m not surprised. She said, you’re not? And I said, no, you finally decided. And she looked at me and she said, what do you mean? I finally decided. I went on, you’ve been thinking about starting your own company for years. And when you actually decided that’s when things started to happen. And she said to me, say more. And I said, well, in life, it’s often an I F T T if this, then that. And there are times in life when you don’t get to know what’s next. It’s not an if this then that. It’s not if I get a client, I’ll open my own firm. It’s about the deciding. It’s about saying, I’m going to give this a shot. I’m going to hang my shackle out and start my own company. That’s when you get the response. It’s not the other way around.

There is so much power in making decisions and in moving towards something you want, and this is something we know. There are millions of inspirational quotes about it. “Reach for your dreams and they will reach for you.“The moment one commits oneself, then providence moves too.” We know this. We know there is power in deciding, yet we often walk through life with those things rumbling around in the background. I know speaking for myself, one of the lead supporting actors in the background noise of my head is you need to work.

I have a big desire to do something. The problem is I don’t know what that is and I’m stuck in the IFTT trap. If this, then that, If something comes up, I’m willing. No! I need to decide that I am ready to do something, and I realize now that I have never really committed. Providence hasn’t moved because I’ve not really taken that seriously. Here’s the thing. A couple of things have happened recently that really got me thinking. One is my friend Gloria, who is a fashion executive between jobs, realized that she had a teaching certificate which she could put to use and be a part time substitute teacher and she has found great joy working in a couple of local schools. And my friend Eric just told me yesterday that he has started studying Portuguese as well as undertaking two certificate courses to get certified in something that’s important to his professional life, both in the United States and Europe. It’s something completely different than what he does right now. It really stuck with me. I started thinking to myself Eric has no idea where those certificate courses may take him, but he decided to do it anyway. In fact, a message said to me, when you think about something three times, just do it. I signed up for the course and I already started.

Honestly speaking, that’s been my problem. I have been talking myself out of looking for a job or looking for something to do because I simply can’t imagine what it might look like. Truth be told, I’m probably stuck in an old thought pattern of what work used to look like. It’s such old thinking. I don’t necessarily need to go to a job. I don’t necessarily need to work full time. I don’t even necessarily need to make a lot of money. I need to feel like I’m doing something worthy. and useful and I need to feel like I’m doing something constructive with my time. I simply can’t imagine what that might look like. It may be going to get a teaching certificate and substitute teaching. It might be working at Trader Joe’s. I don’t know. But what I do know is that until now, I have failed to make the decision. And it’s as simple as that. That’s the truth. I’m speaking to myself. This is a note to self. I never decided that I was ready to do something new.

In the meantime, I started Dear Constance and I found enormous gratification and stimulation in making that decision. I took the course, got involved with new people, taught myself how to do many new things, and I found a great creative outlet. Now I’m hungering for what’s next and I’m admitting this note to self –  the big obvious missing piece of the puzzle has simply been the decision or lack thereof. This feels to me like one of those things that we have to learn over and over again. You don’t think I know that I need to be open to possibility, that I need to be willing to dance with uncertainty, that I need to turn up the volume on my curiosity? Yeah, I know that, and I’ve failed to do it. Or perhaps better said, I haven’t really been ready.  I’ve certainly been influenced by the reaction I get from people because so many people that I have around me are really ready to have more time in their life. They’re either ready to stop working or very much enjoying having finished the biggest work phase of their lives. They simply can’t imagine this feeling I have of wanting to work, wanting to do something. And my own lack of clarity – my lack of decisiveness in this area – has been such that I just eventually blow it off and say, ah, yeah, no, I don’t really want to do that.

So, there you have it. I may really regret having recorded this episode, but it’s not only a note to self, it’s a sort of accountability. Feel free to ask me. I am officially open to possibility. I am officially looking for something interesting to do, and I simply can’t imagine what it looks like. I’m sharing this also because I imagine that I’m not alone in this sentiment. I truly believe in every bone of my body that we are here on earth to make meaning, to feel useful. And we find meaning in our work. Meaning making comes from taking whatever it is we’re doing seriously and giving it our love and best energy. I’m simply ready for more of that. I’m really honest when I say I have no preconceived ideas of what that might look like. I truly want to open myself up to possibility and the spout on my curiosity is officially wide open.

I can’t talk about the power in the decision without also talking about how we signal our readiness, how we signal to God, to the universe, to spirit, whatever you want to say. To the world. How is it that we signal that we’ve made a decision?  I told the story in the past that when I decided that I was ready to leave New York City for this five-month journey or adventure, or however you want to call it, I actually stopped the car. I pulled over to the side of the road and left a message saying my apartment is going to be available for three to five months starting in November. I got very specific, and I put it out there. Interestingly, I have a couple of very important contacts in the blockchain and future technologies world that interest me a lot. Now  I can very clearly see that I never acted on it because I knew in my heart of hearts that I wasn’t ready or I hadn’t decided. I didn’t want to burn those contacts, or rather I didn’t want to use those valuable contacts until I knew I was ready.

Now I am signaling to the universe, not only by recording this podcast which I may live to regret, but it will also come when I hit the send button on that message to this great contact my friend Eric gave me. So, all this to say you have to not only decide, but truly decide in your heart and put up the flag and truly put it out into the world that you’re ready or that you’ve decided something. It shifts your lens and your focus, and your radar goes up. You start noticing different things. You start looking for clues. I know this. We all know this, and it sounds like I’m beating the drum, but this is also a note to self because this feels like a big decision that I’m making to say, yeah. I want to do something else. I want to work. I don’t know what it is, but I’m ready and I’m moving towards it. And as I said, I may live to regret this sharing on the podcast but it’s part of my commitment to being really honest about where I am in my life.

I don’t think my situation is unique. I don’t think I’m alone in having this desire to do something new. To discover something new. To try something new. I’m sharing it because I can’t imagine there’s not someone out there who also needs to hear it. So I’ll leave you with that. Reach for your dream and it will reach for you, even when you don’t know what your dream is. I can say that my dream is to find something that feels worthwhile and stimulating on some level. I’m going to end with the quote that I started with. “The moment one commits oneself. then providence moves too.” The bottom line is in life some things are if this, then that equation and many, if not all of the most important things in life really come down to our willingness to dance with uncertainty. And there you have it. I’ve decided that I’m ready to dance. Where are you?

I’ll leave you with that for today. Until next time, from my heart to yours.

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dear Listeners,

Friends say I live my life out loud. That’s because I’m a curious, adventurous person and, as an appreciator, I simply love to share what lights me up. Consider this is your invitation into my fun, multi-faceted world.

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